Patrick has always wanted a daughter and I like to give my husband what he wants even though I know there really isn't any picking and choosing when giving birth to a baby. I may just be setting us up for disappointment. I have an older brother so to me having two kids, a boy and a girl, just makes sense. (I hate it when people say that they do not care about the sex as long as the baby is healthy. What if the baby isn't healthy, you won’t love it? They should just say they don’t care as long as it is a baby and not a Power Puff Girl. These chicks also hate it)
But then we have our bad days and I think Orion should be an only child like his father. When Orion doesn't sleep and I don’t sleep or he nurses nonstop I think there is no way in hell I could handle another baby. 2 years of not sleeping followed by 9 months of being pregnant and another 2 years of not sleeping is holy shit crazy bananas. What if baby #2 isn't an easy baby like Orion, what if she has colic and never ever sleeps through the night. What if Orion doesn't want to have a sibling? What if he isn't weaned and becomes jealous of the new baby for taking away his boobs. What if I can’t do it, can’t take care of two kids, what if I get sick? Because of having MS, I feel like I need to be done with all my baby making by 35 because things get more complicated after 35. In just a matter of days I will be 33 which leaves me about 2 years to have a baby. The clock is ticking.
Prior to the craziness that started just before Christmas with sickness and not sleeping, I was primed to get pregnant around March/April. Now, I feel like I really cannot do it until Orion is fully weaned and sleeping independently. I had these feelings before but thought maybe it would work itself out. After all, I hear some babies wean once mama gets pregnant because they do not like the taste as much.
It isn’t even the nursing but the lack of sleep that is freaking me out. When I was pregnant I was working on my feet full time which slowly got cut back more and more. After work I had to nap for a few hours because I was exhausted. I can only imagine that pregnancy #2 I will be in need of long daily naps in the middle of the day. Orion takes his naps on me but as my belly grows, that might become an issue. I can at least get him off the boob for his naps but if I try to put him down it is over. And if Orion is still interrupting my nighttime sleep I may be is big trouble.
I have said jokingly that I have been waiting for Orion to be able to have a conversation with me about naps, nursing, and sleeping through the night. Maybe I need to add having a sibling to that list. Since he will be 2 in April, I feel we should be at this point where we can talk about it but he doesn't speak much which kinda freaks me out. He has said 10 words or so but chooses to speak in his gobbly gook which is indecipherable.
For now, I guess Orion will continue to be an only child. If we wait too long and can’t get pregnant again, we have talked about adoption. I know adoption is not easy and no one will just hand us a baby and that it could take years. Even if we do have a second child or choose to not get pregnant again we may adopt anyway. We have also talked about being foster parents. I spent some time working as a driver for a foster care company and really loved those kids and wonder what they are doing now. Sometimes I even think that when I grow up I could go into social work and work in the foster care system.
With all the ups and downs of raising Orion, I really do love being his mom regardless of last night’s dream that had me running away to Florida with friends then calling Patrick in tears as soon as I arrived that I would take the next flight home. I have even thought that no child could ever come anywhere close to the awesomeness that is Orion. He is so cute and sweet that there is no way to top that. I do know that it isn't a contest between kids. We will just have to wait and see if there will be kids. Sometimes making plans is surest way to be disappointed.