I hate that feeling of ”is he sleeping or did the worst
thing ever happen?”. We stopped leaving
the baby monitor on at night when he was around a year old but we still have it
hooked up in his room with units in our bedroom and kitchen. I will grope for
the unit in the dark and turn it on, holding it close to my ear waiting for any
sounds of breathing or snoring. Hearing
him sleep is the best sound ever. It is
a reassurance of life and peace.
Now that he is older, the fear of SIDS has gone away along
with some of my irrational fears. I remember
those nights of “should I go in and check on him or will that wake him up?” and
some nights they make a comeback. I hate
that feeling of that the house is way too quite. I can remember going into his
room and practically putting my face on his chest to ensure it was still moving
up and down at a healthy pace.
If I do hear Orion cry out, cough, or make any other unusual
sound in the night it causes me physical pain. I hear it and almost shit myself
with worry. The bottom drops out of my stomach and I am on my feet ready for
action. This is why I had to shut off the baby monitor, to prevent myself from
running to his bedside anytime he made the smallest sound. Granted, the worry
has been replaced a bit with a fear of losing sleep. If he is crying and I hear I cannot sleep, we
are not cry it our people. I just want to make it stop as quickly as possible
so I can go back to sleep.
I am way more excited to see my baby after we both enjoy a
full night of sleep. Many nights I have gone to bed at 8 or 9 because I know he
will be up at some point in the night like he was the night before or because I
am just plain exhausted. Some of those
nights end with me waking up at 4am to take a slash only to be unable to fallback
asleep. Regardless of how tired I am, I
have always had a hard time falling asleep and falling back asleep. There are nights when I jealously listen to
the sound of my husband and baby snoring happily and soundly. Patrick has the ability to fall asleep as
soon as his head hits the pillow. He has
even fallen asleep while talking or reading me a bedtime story. (Before Orion came
along he used to read me bedtime stories. He read me all the Harry Potter books,
Snow Crash, and The Once and Future King to name a few)
It is rare that I am out of bed before Orion. He usually wakes up between 6 and 7am. That is when decent human beings should wake
up. 4am is for farmers, 5am is cruel, and
sleeping in past 10 is for stoners and teenage boys. The worst is when Orion wakes up at 4am. He
is not a farmer and has no business being up that early. The chance of getting him back to bed is slim
but I will try in the hopes of catching some more zzzzs. If he is truly up I
know that a 7am naptime is possible and I have to decide to drink coffee and
not be able to sleep during that nap but be awake now of stay sleep and
miserable until we both get our nap.
When I am out of bed before baby boy I get filled with this
feeling of excitement at seeing him for the first time. He somehow looks cuter and
acts sweeter. My stomach gets filled
with the fuzzy buzz of glee that he slept all night and I am recharged and
ready for the day ahead. I want to scoop
him up in my arms while he tells me all about his dreams in his secret
language.
Some mornings when I am up before him I know that it will
not last long. I will think “OK, I heard
snoring, he is sleeping but he will wake up any second now so I can't really
get anything started”. I don’t want to
fold that laundry because he will wake up and throw it all on the floor. I can’t
take a shower because he will wake up as soon as the shampoo touches my hair.
The great thing is that I actually don’t need to do anything. This can be a hard thing for a mom to realize
and actually do because there are always a million things that need to be done.
The luxury of enjoying a hot cup of coffee alone while checking the Facebook
without a baby on the loose is an indulgence.
Sometimes you need to do nothing and you will be better for it.
If anyone out there is thinking about becoming a parent but
are unsure here is a little trail you can set for yourself. Set an alarm clock to go off every 2 hours
between 7pm and 7am. Once it goes off pace up and down your bedroom or hallway
while holding and rocking a 10lb bag of sugar (or whatever) for 20 minutes. Repeat this for at least 6 weeks and see how
you feel. Bonus points if you repeat
this trail 9 months later. Having a newborn is hard but then you start sleeping
through the night and you return to the joys of a full night’s sleep and think
the worst is behind you. Then out of nowhere,
BAM! Baby is up 2, 3, 4 times a night.
It’s like they want to remind you of how far they have come, and how
much it used to suck, and aren’t you glad that doesn’t happen every night. Really baby, you do not need to remind me.
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