This is my 7th Mother’s Day since my mom died and
my 3rd Mother’s Day since becoming a mom. I spent 4 years avoiding Mother’s Day and
trying really hard to not lose my shit while seeing anything regarding Mother’s
Day. After spending so long avoiding
Mother’s Day, it really snuck up on me this year. I had been so focused on Orion’s 2nd
birthday and then was so exhausted after that I did not see it coming. Last week I called to make brunch
reservations, but my top 3 choices were already booked (this also happened last
year and next year I will make the reservations early, like maybe next week).
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| My mother and I at my Bridal shower August 2005 |
My first Mother’s Day was the most difficult ever since
Orion wasn't even 2 weeks old. I was still recovering from a Cesarean section
and adjusting to being a mom while missing my mother more than I had since her
death. I wasn't sure I could be a mom without a mom. While I was in labor and stuck at 3
centimeters for about 5 hours, I really wanted my mom. I remember crying for
her and thinking there was no way I could give birth to this baby without her.
That was when I asked for the epidural and soon after there was a tingly party
inside my body and I relaxed. I never
progressed beyond 3 centimeters but at least I was feeling better, thanks
drugs!
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| about 2 weeks old |
Those early days, I had so many questions I wanted to ask my
mother that I had never thought to ask her while she was alive. While she was living, kids were nowhere to be
seen in my future. Once I met Patrick, I
thought that maybe I could have kids because I would have them with a man who would
be the best dad ever. But it wasn't until after her death that I really wanted to start trying to have kids but my
health problems and eventual M.S. diagnosis put it off for a few years.
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| maybe 6 months old or so |
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| almost 2! |
Being a mom without a mom is one of the hardest things I
have ever done especially after losing my father when Orion was only 6 weeks
old. I do not have them to call to
complain/cry/question/wonder/brag about being Orion’s mom. I can’t talk to them
about what I was like as a child to see if Orion is like I was as a baby. I do wonder if I would be a better mom if I
still had either of my parents to guide me through being a parent. I lost a piece
of my history and part of my future self with their death. And Orion lost
really incredibly awesome grandparents. I could always see my father as a
grandfather but had a hard time picturing my mom as a grandmom. My mother would have knitted the most adorable
things for her grandchildren. I get jealous of other kid’s hand knitted things
and it reminds me of a missing piece.
It took me this past year to realize that what I do have
really outweighs their absence. I have
all of the important things they gave me during their life. I share the same sense of humor, fearlessness,
honesty, and directness my mother had. I
can still hear her voice in my head telling me “what goes around, come around”
and “shoulda, woulda, coulda”. I have
her example of doing kindness for people in need and caring for them. She
showed me such strength which I only have a fraction of but what got me through
some really difficult time. I am who I am because of my parent’s love for
me. My relationship with my mother was
never perfect but it was ours and we honestly loved and respected each other. My parents also instilled in me a deep love
for enjoying books, music, and food which I am passing down to Orion. He will never met them but he will know of my
mother’s love for The Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger.
I am not a perfect mom and sometimes I get frustrated but I
am always trying to do better. I am also trying to stop comparing my life to
those around me and what I see portrayed in the media. I see my life and home as perfect when it
stands alone but when compared to others I see shadows of doubt that grow
larger the longer I look. Since I cannot compare my current life of being a mom
to the life of my mom, I look around me and see the life of other moms in my
community and online. Then I remind
myself that what I see of their lives is only the tip of the iceberg and
comparing each other is all apples and oranges.
Our commonality is that we are all moms trying to do the best for our
children and our family and (hopefully) our community and world.
Even though life is filled with so many conveniences these
days, it seems harder than ever to be a parent.
There is so much information on what you should do and not do and how
this thing will change your life and you really need 2 of these in case you
lose one of them. It is so overwhelming
and super easy to get caught in a downward spiral of reading article after
article instead of doing what is really important, like paying attention to
your child and, oh, I don’t know, sleeping. It is so easy to question yourself
and wonder if you are feeding your child the best food and avoiding all of the
toxic chemicals that seem to be in everything.
I remember that PSA catch phrase “The More You Know” and it makes me
think the more you know the more insane and agoraphobic you become. So, I just take a breath and a break from the
flood of information and advice and focus on what matters. I parent with my gut
and my heart. If I give all my love to this wonderful, special boy, he will
grow up to be a loving compassionate person and that is what I value most.
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| 1st visit to the doctors office, not yet a week old |
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| 3 months old |
I think this will be
my best Mother’s Day yet because I am so proud to be Orion’s mom and I am
finally feeling confident as his mom. I
feel like I do deserve to celebrate being a mom and not just on Sunday. We started our celebrations early on
Friday. We went to Family Meal in
Fredrick for a delicious lunch and in the afternoon took a nice walk with the
dogs and Orion on his Joovy. We got a
babysitter for Friday night so Patrick and I could go see Iron Man 3 (this was
the second movie we have seen together in the theater since Orion was born and
the first one at night). Saturday I went
to the movies alone to see The Great Gatsby, I love going to the movies alone
in the middle of the day. Today we are having my dearest mom friend and Orion’s
best buddy over for dinner. I let Patrick get up this morning and deal with
Orion and the dogs while I laid in bed and read The Marriage Plot.
Mother’s Day has given me license to let go of all my mom
guilt this weekend. I didn’t feel bad
about holding up in the office to write this and print out about 50 pictures
from Orion’s 2nd birthday photo shoot to send to family. I also did not feel guilty about lying in bed
to finish Everything Is illuminated (loved the movie, LOVED the book!). I even
let myself enjoy a nice long shower yesterday without worry about what Orion
was getting into. It is these small
simple things, hot showers, reading, and time alone that you really miss as a
mom of young children.
Being a parent is not getting easier but he is sleeping
thorough the night most nights which means I am getting more sleep which is
magical. We are weaning and only nursing
twice a day for nap and bedtime (and if he wakes at night). Now that the weather is getting nice, we
spend as much time as we can outside before the dogs days of summer descend. We
had a hard week but it was amazingly rewarding. Patrick was out of town for 4
bedtimes and I was exhausted being the only caregiver. But I am also really happy that I was with
Orion instead of sleazy Vegas at a conference.
Even though there were tears from both myself and Orion, there was a lot
of cuddles and laughs.
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| almost 2! |
My baby is growing up and I can see that he is developing
into a wonderful person. It is crazy to look at pictures of him from when he was born, last year, and now. The baby fat is melting from his cheeks but the sweetness is still their in his smile. He is becoming
his own person who loves cars and Yo Gabba Gabba and Gustafer Yellowgold. I
love Orion with such an unimaginable strength that I really do not know how I
ever lived without him. I am amazed at
the boy he has become. He is so loving, happy,
and outgoing. I love to watch him dance and point excitedly and speak new
words. He brings me tears of joy on an
almost daily basis. Since working on
weaning I was afraid he might become cold but he has become more affectionate. He will climb into my bed when I am reading after
dinner and before his bath and just snuggle with me. His head fits so perfectly
below my chin and against my chest. It
is nice to get this closeness without being a source of food. I love his frequent hugs and his occasional
kisses. I love being his mom and our silly
little family.
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| almost 2! |
