My best Mother's Day yet

This is my 7^th Mother’s Day since my mom died and my 3^rd Mother’s Day since becoming a mom.  I spent 4 years avoiding Mother’s Day and trying really hard to not lose my shit while seeing anything regarding Mother’s Day.  After spending so long avoiding Mother’s Day, it really snuck up on me this year.  I had been so focused on Orion’s 2^nd birthday and then was so exhausted after that I did not see it coming.  Last week I called to make brunch reservations, but my top 3 choices were already booked (this also happened last year and next year I will make the reservations early, like maybe next week). 

My mother and I at my Bridal shower August 2005

My first Mother’s Day was the most difficult ever since Orion wasn't even 2 weeks old. I was still recovering from a Cesarean section and adjusting to being a mom while missing my mother more than I had since her death. I wasn't sure I could be a mom without a mom.  While I was in labor and stuck at 3 centimeters for about 5 hours, I really wanted my mom. I remember crying for her and thinking there was no way I could give birth to this baby without her. That was when I asked for the epidural and soon after there was a tingly party inside my body and I relaxed.  I never progressed beyond 3 centimeters but at least I was feeling better, thanks drugs! 

about 2 weeks old

Those early days, I had so many questions I wanted to ask my mother that I had never thought to ask her while she was alive.  While she was living, kids were nowhere to be seen in my future.  Once I met Patrick, I thought that maybe I could have kids because I would have them with a man who would be the best dad ever.  But it wasn't until after her death that I really wanted to start trying to have kids but my health problems and eventual M.S. diagnosis put it off for a few years.

maybe 6 months old or so

almost 2!

Being a mom without a mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done especially after losing my father when Orion was only 6 weeks old.  I do not have them to call to complain/cry/question/wonder/brag about being Orion’s mom. I can’t talk to them about what I was like as a child to see if Orion is like I was as a baby.  I do wonder if I would be a better mom if I still had either of my parents to guide me through being a parent. I lost a piece of my history and part of my future self with their death. And Orion lost really incredibly awesome grandparents. I could always see my father as a grandfather but had a hard time picturing my mom as a grandmom.  My mother would have knitted the most adorable things for her grandchildren. I get jealous of other kid’s hand knitted things and it reminds me of a missing piece. 

It took me this past year to realize that what I do have really outweighs their absence.  I have all of the important things they gave me during their life.  I share the same sense of humor, fearlessness, honesty, and directness my mother had.  I can still hear her voice in my head telling me “what goes around, come around” and “shoulda, woulda, coulda”.  I have her example of doing kindness for people in need and caring for them. She showed me such strength which I only have a fraction of but what got me through some really difficult time. I am who I am because of my parent’s love for me.  My relationship with my mother was never perfect but it was ours and we honestly loved and respected each other.  My parents also instilled in me a deep love for enjoying books, music, and food which I am passing down to Orion.  He will never met them but he will know of my mother’s love for The Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger.

I am not a perfect mom and sometimes I get frustrated but I am always trying to do better. I am also trying to stop comparing my life to those around me and what I see portrayed in the media.  I see my life and home as perfect when it stands alone but when compared to others I see shadows of doubt that grow larger the longer I look. Since I cannot compare my current life of being a mom to the life of my mom, I look around me and see the life of other moms in my community and online.  Then I remind myself that what I see of their lives is only the tip of the iceberg and comparing each other is all apples and oranges.  Our commonality is that we are all moms trying to do the best for our children and our family and (hopefully) our community and world. 

Even though life is filled with so many conveniences these days, it seems harder than ever to be a parent.  There is so much information on what you should do and not do and how this thing will change your life and you really need 2 of these in case you lose one of them.  It is so overwhelming and super easy to get caught in a downward spiral of reading article after article instead of doing what is really important, like paying attention to your child and, oh, I don’t know, sleeping. It is so easy to question yourself and wonder if you are feeding your child the best food and avoiding all of the toxic chemicals that seem to be in everything.  I remember that PSA catch phrase “The More You Know” and it makes me think the more you know the more insane and agoraphobic you become.  So, I just take a breath and a break from the flood of information and advice and focus on what matters. I parent with my gut and my heart. If I give all my love to this wonderful, special boy, he will grow up to be a loving compassionate person and that is what I value most.

1st visit to the doctors office, not yet a week old

3 months old

 I think this will be my best Mother’s Day yet because I am so proud to be Orion’s mom and I am finally feeling confident as his mom.  I feel like I do deserve to celebrate being a mom and not just on Sunday.  We started our celebrations early on Friday.  We went to Family Meal in Fredrick for a delicious lunch and in the afternoon took a nice walk with the dogs and Orion on his Joovy.  We got a babysitter for Friday night so Patrick and I could go see Iron Man 3 (this was the second movie we have seen together in the theater since Orion was born and the first one at night).  Saturday I went to the movies alone to see The Great Gatsby, I love going to the movies alone in the middle of the day. Today we are having my dearest mom friend and Orion’s best buddy over for dinner. I let Patrick get up this morning and deal with Orion and the dogs while I laid in bed and read The Marriage Plot.

Mother’s Day has given me license to let go of all my mom guilt this weekend.  I didn’t feel bad about holding up in the office to write this and print out about 50 pictures from Orion’s 2^nd birthday photo shoot to send to family.  I also did not feel guilty about lying in bed to finish Everything Is illuminated (loved the movie, LOVED the book!). I even let myself enjoy a nice long shower yesterday without worry about what Orion was getting into.  It is these small simple things, hot showers, reading, and time alone that you really miss as a mom of young children.

Being a parent is not getting easier but he is sleeping thorough the night most nights which means I am getting more sleep which is magical.  We are weaning and only nursing twice a day for nap and bedtime (and if he wakes at night).  Now that the weather is getting nice, we spend as much time as we can outside before the dogs days of summer descend. We had a hard week but it was amazingly rewarding. Patrick was out of town for 4 bedtimes and I was exhausted being the only caregiver.  But I am also really happy that I was with Orion instead of sleazy Vegas at a conference.  Even though there were tears from both myself and Orion, there was a lot of cuddles and laughs.

almost 2!

My baby is growing up and I can see that he is developing into a wonderful person.  It is crazy to look at pictures of him from when he was born, last year, and now.  The baby fat is melting from his cheeks but the sweetness is still their in his smile. He is becoming his own person who loves cars and Yo Gabba Gabba and Gustafer Yellowgold. I love Orion with such an unimaginable strength that I really do not know how I ever lived without him.  I am amazed at the boy he has become.  He is so loving, happy, and outgoing. I love to watch him dance and point excitedly and speak new words.  He brings me tears of joy on an almost daily basis.  Since working on weaning I was afraid he might become cold but he has become more affectionate.  He will climb into my bed when I am reading after dinner and before his bath and just snuggle with me. His head fits so perfectly below my chin and against my chest.  It is nice to get this closeness without being a source of food.  I love his frequent hugs and his occasional kisses.  I love being his mom and our silly little family. 

almost 2!

This will be a happy Mother’s Day and I will think of my mom with sadness and longing and pride that she was MY mom.  I wonder if the way I feel about Orion even comes close to the way she felt about raising my brother and me.  When Orion is older, Mother’s Day will be another opportunity to tell him all about my mom and how his grandmom was a wonderful person. I want to wish a very happy Mother’s Day to all the past, present, and future moms in the world.  I know how hard this day can be for those who have lost their mom, lost children, or haven’t had their dreams of becoming a mother be reality. I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you love. I hope you can find some positivity and comfort today. 

When to spill the beans and the fear of miscarriage

Currently, I know a dozen or so pregnant women. I have never known so many pregnant women. I have only known about 4 or 5 pregnant woman at any given time.  But now that I am a mom, I am hanging out with more moms than ever before. Some of these expecting ladies will be first time moms and some are having their second child. Some ladies announced their pregnancy as early as 6 weeks and some waited till 14 weeks.  I remember when I was pregnant Goggling, “when can I tell people that I am pregnant?”.  As if there was some law or hardline rule about when to share happy news with the people you love.

We told my father as soon as we knew I was pregnant because that was my father’s request. He had been excited for a while to have a grandbaby finally living on U.S. soil.  I am pretty sure we told a few other close family and friends but I really cannot remember. Thanks to Facebook, I found this wall post from October 20^th 2010:

“Yesterday I got to hear the heartbeat of my baby. And it is starting to look like a baby instead of a squiggle. It was too cool! So it is really official, I am 12 1/2 weeks pregnant, we expect our bundle of joy May 1st. Can't wait to find out if it will be a boy or girl.”  

So why did I wait to announce my news? Part of me wanted to keep the news to a very select few people so it would just be us sharing an exciting secret. Another part of me was afraid that I might lose the baby so I wanted to wait until the first trimester was over. This is an extremely common fear and one of the main reasons people wait to announce their pregnancy.

According to PregnancyLoss.info , the likelihood of a miscarriage is 70% in the first week, then drops to 30% in the 2^nd week, 10% in weeks 3-6 and 5% in weeks 7-12, 3% during the 2^nd trimester and 1% during the 3^rd trimester. HopeExchange.com says that “Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage; some estimates are as high as 1 in 3. If you include loss that occurs before a positive pregnancy test, some estimate that 40% of all conceptions result in loss.” I know of women who have had miscarriages and my heart goes out to them. I am sure we all know someone who has had a miscarriage even if we are unaware of the miscarriage.  It is something people do not talk about even though it is fairly common.

I have not been through that experience and hope I never do so I can only speculate how I would handle such a loss. I am a person who is very open and honest. I think I would talk about it and I am sure I would write about here to help me work through my feelings. I always feel better after talking and writing about issues. I think it would be helpful for women who experience this type of loss to talk openly about it in a safe environment. That might not be your Facebook wall but maybe it is if that will help you deal with your emotions. I find it can be easier to write something that is too say to say out loud.

If you have never been pregnant, you might not understand that as soon as you know there is a life growing inside of you, you begin to bond with that life and think about your future together. If you lose that baby before you even knew it was there, you will still think about what could have been. It is hard to grieve and morn any death. I can imagine it is more difficult to deal with the loss of someone who never lived outside of your own body because people might not understand and won’t know what to say.  People might not understand how you can be so upset over someone who never saw the light of day and people in general don’t know what to do when a person is dealing with death.

I try to never let fear hold me back from doing something.  Announce your pregnancy when you want to, in a way you feel comfortable whether that be phone, text, email, or Facebook. If you just got a positive pregnancy test and want to tell someone, go ahead.  If your pregnancy ends in loss, I really hope you will tell someone and talk with supportive people. You may find that you know other women who have been through miscarriage and can support each other

Did you know that October 15^th is National Miscarriage and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?  It was started by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. Here is a great site to learn more about it http://www.october15th.com/

While writing this post I found many websites dedicated to breaking the silence surrounding miscarriage.  I thought it was very well put on TheNervousBreakdown.com when she wrote: 

"I was angry because I am expected to carry a triple burden: the burden of fertility; the burden of pregnancy itself; and perhaps most of all, the burden of silence if a pregnancy is lost."

Let's try to make our burdens as light as possible.

Irrational Fears

I have jumped out of bed, scared shitless, that something was wrong with my sleeping baby.  Why did I think something was wrong?  Because it was too quiet and I couldn't hear him breathing.  I lived in fear of SIDS for the first year or so of his life.  I am still afraid to have a pillow, blanket, or anything in his crib while he sleeps even though SIDS is no longer a risk.  I do allow his soothing seahorse in the crib with him but that is it and I am still afraid he will crack his head open on it.


When Orion was about 8 months old I watched Million Dollar Baby for the first time.  I would replay that climactic slow motion neck cracking scene over and over in my head starring Orion and every toy and surface in our house.  Once I get an idea in my head, it is really hard for me to shake it off.  Then I worry that if it were to actually happen it would be all my fault because the thought crossed my mind.

Last week we went for a boat ride and I saw my baby sinking like a stone to the bottom of the Potomac River.  This did not happen of course and I was sure to keep my hands on him whenever he got near the edge of the boat.  But the image, the thought, was so disturbing and I felt horrible for even thinking it that I felt sick to my stomach.

Every time I buckle Orion into his car seat I wonder if it is tight enough, am I doing this right, will he be safe.  I have become a very cautious driver and adhere to the speed limit (ok maybe I go 5 mph over) and leave plenty of room between me and the car in front.  This means I have become an extremely jumpy passenger and I don’t know how my husband puts up with me.

When I was pregnant I worried that something would be wrong with my baby.  Maybe it is my experiences coupled with the fact that I have a chronic health issue but I always brace myself for the worst.  I was also on a medication that was generally considered safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding but no one knew for sure.  I did know that I need my medication (Copaxone for treating MS) and would not do well without it and I need to be as healthy as possible in order to carry my baby to term and to take care of my baby.  So far, so good, but I still worry that down the line we will find out negative side effects of this medication.  Or any of the number of things Orion comes in to contact with on a daily basis could end up being harmful.  This is why I am very picky about what he eats and what I put on his skin.

I watched the film Temple Grandin during my pregnancy and had a big huge crying fest.  What if my baby is autistic and won’t let me hug him?  It was a severe breakdown and I knew I was getting worked up over a possibility.  Then I realized that whatever happens, we will deal with it.  Temple may not have hugged her mom but she did wonderfully amazing things including revolutionizing the cattle industry.  When you are pregnant people ask if you want to have a boy or a girl and usually the answer it that it doesn’t matter as long as the baby is healthy.  And what if it’s not?!  As long as Orion is alive I will love him and care for him and any and every way he needs.

Will my irrational fears every go away?  No, they won’t and I am sure they will get worse once Orion is driving or getting into the car of young drivers.  I do not let these fears stop me from letting Orion explore his surroundings and grow.  I allow the thought to cross my mind and then I try to move on even though it can take me awhile to shake the thought.  Now that he is learning to walk, we have had more boo boos than ever but this is something he needs to learn.

The first time Orion bled, I was more upset than he was.  We were at an indoor playground and he face planted on one of the few hard surfaces (inside a mirror cube) and split open his lip.  He cried, I almost cried, and we were both covered in blood.  The staff was really nice and gave me a cup of water and some paper towels and I cleaned him up and the bleeding stopped.  In no time he was ready to play some more.  When we came back the next week, he was happy to play in the same spot where the accident had occurred.  He spent a lot of time in that mirror cube and I was too afraid to touch him while he was in it that I just let him go in and out on his own.

The scene of the accident one week after he split his lip open.

I really don’t need any reminder that children don’t always outlive their parents.  In part because i can't handle them.  You think pregnant women are emotional?  I am way more emotional then I have ever been.  I cry during movies more than ever and for the smallest thing.  Any movie dealing with child loss I have to avoid entirely or I might flood my living room with tears.  I think about it daily and I am sure that I will on most days for the rest of my life.  Parents worry but I do not let my worry incapacitate me and hopefully I never will.  I buried both of my parents and I hope Orion buries me.

I do not think I could survive the loss of a child and I hope I will never have to find out.  But writing these words feels like tempting fate.  Then I think that I have already been through enough in my 32 years that there really can’t be any tragedy left.  My heart goes out to all those who have lost children.  Whether that loss was while the child was in utero or when that child was 60, a parent burying their children is always a sad sad shame.  These parents are the strongest people I know.  I read this great blog post recently, if you know someone who has lost a child you may find it helpful.