My best Mother's Day yet

This is my 7^th Mother’s Day since my mom died and my 3^rd Mother’s Day since becoming a mom.  I spent 4 years avoiding Mother’s Day and trying really hard to not lose my shit while seeing anything regarding Mother’s Day.  After spending so long avoiding Mother’s Day, it really snuck up on me this year.  I had been so focused on Orion’s 2^nd birthday and then was so exhausted after that I did not see it coming.  Last week I called to make brunch reservations, but my top 3 choices were already booked (this also happened last year and next year I will make the reservations early, like maybe next week). 

My mother and I at my Bridal shower August 2005

My first Mother’s Day was the most difficult ever since Orion wasn't even 2 weeks old. I was still recovering from a Cesarean section and adjusting to being a mom while missing my mother more than I had since her death. I wasn't sure I could be a mom without a mom.  While I was in labor and stuck at 3 centimeters for about 5 hours, I really wanted my mom. I remember crying for her and thinking there was no way I could give birth to this baby without her. That was when I asked for the epidural and soon after there was a tingly party inside my body and I relaxed.  I never progressed beyond 3 centimeters but at least I was feeling better, thanks drugs! 

about 2 weeks old

Those early days, I had so many questions I wanted to ask my mother that I had never thought to ask her while she was alive.  While she was living, kids were nowhere to be seen in my future.  Once I met Patrick, I thought that maybe I could have kids because I would have them with a man who would be the best dad ever.  But it wasn't until after her death that I really wanted to start trying to have kids but my health problems and eventual M.S. diagnosis put it off for a few years.

maybe 6 months old or so

almost 2!

Being a mom without a mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done especially after losing my father when Orion was only 6 weeks old.  I do not have them to call to complain/cry/question/wonder/brag about being Orion’s mom. I can’t talk to them about what I was like as a child to see if Orion is like I was as a baby.  I do wonder if I would be a better mom if I still had either of my parents to guide me through being a parent. I lost a piece of my history and part of my future self with their death. And Orion lost really incredibly awesome grandparents. I could always see my father as a grandfather but had a hard time picturing my mom as a grandmom.  My mother would have knitted the most adorable things for her grandchildren. I get jealous of other kid’s hand knitted things and it reminds me of a missing piece. 

It took me this past year to realize that what I do have really outweighs their absence.  I have all of the important things they gave me during their life.  I share the same sense of humor, fearlessness, honesty, and directness my mother had.  I can still hear her voice in my head telling me “what goes around, come around” and “shoulda, woulda, coulda”.  I have her example of doing kindness for people in need and caring for them. She showed me such strength which I only have a fraction of but what got me through some really difficult time. I am who I am because of my parent’s love for me.  My relationship with my mother was never perfect but it was ours and we honestly loved and respected each other.  My parents also instilled in me a deep love for enjoying books, music, and food which I am passing down to Orion.  He will never met them but he will know of my mother’s love for The Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger.

I am not a perfect mom and sometimes I get frustrated but I am always trying to do better. I am also trying to stop comparing my life to those around me and what I see portrayed in the media.  I see my life and home as perfect when it stands alone but when compared to others I see shadows of doubt that grow larger the longer I look. Since I cannot compare my current life of being a mom to the life of my mom, I look around me and see the life of other moms in my community and online.  Then I remind myself that what I see of their lives is only the tip of the iceberg and comparing each other is all apples and oranges.  Our commonality is that we are all moms trying to do the best for our children and our family and (hopefully) our community and world. 

Even though life is filled with so many conveniences these days, it seems harder than ever to be a parent.  There is so much information on what you should do and not do and how this thing will change your life and you really need 2 of these in case you lose one of them.  It is so overwhelming and super easy to get caught in a downward spiral of reading article after article instead of doing what is really important, like paying attention to your child and, oh, I don’t know, sleeping. It is so easy to question yourself and wonder if you are feeding your child the best food and avoiding all of the toxic chemicals that seem to be in everything.  I remember that PSA catch phrase “The More You Know” and it makes me think the more you know the more insane and agoraphobic you become.  So, I just take a breath and a break from the flood of information and advice and focus on what matters. I parent with my gut and my heart. If I give all my love to this wonderful, special boy, he will grow up to be a loving compassionate person and that is what I value most.

1st visit to the doctors office, not yet a week old

3 months old

 I think this will be my best Mother’s Day yet because I am so proud to be Orion’s mom and I am finally feeling confident as his mom.  I feel like I do deserve to celebrate being a mom and not just on Sunday.  We started our celebrations early on Friday.  We went to Family Meal in Fredrick for a delicious lunch and in the afternoon took a nice walk with the dogs and Orion on his Joovy.  We got a babysitter for Friday night so Patrick and I could go see Iron Man 3 (this was the second movie we have seen together in the theater since Orion was born and the first one at night).  Saturday I went to the movies alone to see The Great Gatsby, I love going to the movies alone in the middle of the day. Today we are having my dearest mom friend and Orion’s best buddy over for dinner. I let Patrick get up this morning and deal with Orion and the dogs while I laid in bed and read The Marriage Plot.

Mother’s Day has given me license to let go of all my mom guilt this weekend.  I didn’t feel bad about holding up in the office to write this and print out about 50 pictures from Orion’s 2^nd birthday photo shoot to send to family.  I also did not feel guilty about lying in bed to finish Everything Is illuminated (loved the movie, LOVED the book!). I even let myself enjoy a nice long shower yesterday without worry about what Orion was getting into.  It is these small simple things, hot showers, reading, and time alone that you really miss as a mom of young children.

Being a parent is not getting easier but he is sleeping thorough the night most nights which means I am getting more sleep which is magical.  We are weaning and only nursing twice a day for nap and bedtime (and if he wakes at night).  Now that the weather is getting nice, we spend as much time as we can outside before the dogs days of summer descend. We had a hard week but it was amazingly rewarding. Patrick was out of town for 4 bedtimes and I was exhausted being the only caregiver.  But I am also really happy that I was with Orion instead of sleazy Vegas at a conference.  Even though there were tears from both myself and Orion, there was a lot of cuddles and laughs.

almost 2!

My baby is growing up and I can see that he is developing into a wonderful person.  It is crazy to look at pictures of him from when he was born, last year, and now.  The baby fat is melting from his cheeks but the sweetness is still their in his smile. He is becoming his own person who loves cars and Yo Gabba Gabba and Gustafer Yellowgold. I love Orion with such an unimaginable strength that I really do not know how I ever lived without him.  I am amazed at the boy he has become.  He is so loving, happy, and outgoing. I love to watch him dance and point excitedly and speak new words.  He brings me tears of joy on an almost daily basis.  Since working on weaning I was afraid he might become cold but he has become more affectionate.  He will climb into my bed when I am reading after dinner and before his bath and just snuggle with me. His head fits so perfectly below my chin and against my chest.  It is nice to get this closeness without being a source of food.  I love his frequent hugs and his occasional kisses.  I love being his mom and our silly little family. 

almost 2!

This will be a happy Mother’s Day and I will think of my mom with sadness and longing and pride that she was MY mom.  I wonder if the way I feel about Orion even comes close to the way she felt about raising my brother and me.  When Orion is older, Mother’s Day will be another opportunity to tell him all about my mom and how his grandmom was a wonderful person. I want to wish a very happy Mother’s Day to all the past, present, and future moms in the world.  I know how hard this day can be for those who have lost their mom, lost children, or haven’t had their dreams of becoming a mother be reality. I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you love. I hope you can find some positivity and comfort today. 

How I spent my Mother's Day

This past Sunday, my husband woke up wicked early (5 am maybe, I was, like, sleeping) and took care of the dogs.  It is usually our dogs making a fuss in the morning and not the baby waking us up.  Patrick fed the dogs, let them out, and then Orion wanted in on the action.  So, Patrick took care of the baby.  I could occasionally hear the baby crawling down our hardwood floor hallway, smack, smack, smak.  But then Patrick would redirect the baby.  Around 7, I let Patrick know that my boobs were open for business and to let in my hungry baby.  Orion crawled down the hall and opened the bedroom door and was so very happy to see me.  His face said Happy Mother’s Day! 

I nursed up the baby and when he had his fill, we went into the living room.  I left him to play while I did some computer stuff.  All of this is really boring but the great thing is that I felt like I could do whatever I wanted and not feel bad about it.  Patrick knew he was on primary baby care today so I could do as I pleased.  Patrick was also on breakfast duty and I requested Martha Stewart’s Apple Dutch baby.  I love it and so did Orion!

The morning was very laid back and we did not have a schedule for the day ahead.  I hung out in my jammies which really isn’t anything new or unusual.  Maybe it was around 11, when I realized what I really wanted.  I made a list of errands for Patrick to do with the baby.  They left and I had the house to myself!  Well, the dogs were still there but I think they were happy to have the baby out of the house.

I was so happy to be home alone that I did a little dance.  I turned on Pandora and made a station for The Killers.  Patrick hates this band so I could listen loudly and not drive him crazy.  Then I pulled out the sewing machine and a fan.  These things plug into the wall and fascinate the baby.  It is really hard, almost impossible, to use these things with the baby crawling around.  We lack a baby jail and tend to let him be a free range baby.  I got to sewing on my brand new Singer 160 which was my Mother’s Day present.

I am new to sewing, so I was just practicing by making little washcloths.  I attempted to do an applique t shirt but totally messed up.  I also had a bit of an accident with the ironing board and some fusible interfacing. That reminds me, I need to buy a new ironing board cover.  I played and experimented with the sewing machine.  Then things started going a little wonky and I had to walk away from the machine and it was lunchtime.

I have a thing for iceberg lettuce and mayonnaise.  Something magical happens when these are combined with bread, especially big bad white bread.  I was very excited to make a sandwich on an onion bun with mustard, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and mayo in that order from top to bottom.  It was simple, delicious, and indulgent.  Patrick does not share my enjoyment of iceberg lettuce.  Last time I asked for lettuce he brought home one of those hippie heads of butter bid lettuce that still had its roots.  My sandwich was so good, I made another and did not hesitate to use up the last onion bun.  It ate it standing in the kitchen looking out the window watching my dogs run amok in the backyard.

Once again, the details of what I did during those baby free hours are pretty boring.  I stayed in my jammies.  Wrote out some cards, did some interneting, and attempted to dismantle Orion’s 1^st birthday scrapbook but couldn’t get the posts apart. The exciting thing was that I was able to do all these things without tripping over my baby.  I was going to get a manicure and a pedicure but I couldn’t even be bothered.  That would meant I would have to get dressed and leave the house.  I’ll save that for another day as a mommy getaway.

I went through a box of old photos that we got when we were cleaning out my dad’s apartment last year.  There were so many pictures of my mom and even a whole envelope of her that said “Susan various aspects” in my dad’s handwriting.  There was also an envelope that said “Charlotte’s first haircut” in my mother’s handwriting.  I love to see their handwriting as it was something that you easily take for granted during a person’s life but once they are gone becomes so precious.  I was able to spend some alone time thinking about my mom and crying without worrying about anyone seeing my tears.

I was starting to worry about my husband and baby as I had not heard back from Patrick regarding my last text message.  My mind always jumps to horrible conclusions. Considering my history that can’t be surprising.  Also, I think something happens to me when I go for more than 3 hours without my baby.  I get a little anxious, maybe it is oxytocin withdraw even though I am no longer nursing Orion every 3 hours.  I called Patrick and he was on the last stop of his chore list and would be home soon.  Most of their time out was spent with the baby sleeping and Patrick reading the Game of Thrones books which he is obsessed with.  I hope Orion is such a voracious reader because his daddy has read 4 books in the past month.  I have managed to read one book as far this year because someone is demanding so much of my time.

They got home after 3:30 and I soon realized that I would have to finally put on some clothes to make our 5:15 dinner reservation.  I wanted to take more than the usually 10 minutes I spend to get ready and may have spent a whole 20 minutes, oh so fancy.  I even put on makeup and the even more unusual foundation.  When it comes to my doing my hair I am pretty clueless so I resort to the side ponytail because it is easy and I think it is funny.  It's like a ponytail but it is fancy cause it is on the side!  I was also very excited to leave the house without a diaper bag or purse of any kind.  My red dress had 2 pockets, one for my lipstick and one for my phone.  I was good to go. 

We had a wonderful dinner at Liberty Tavern in Clarendon.  They were nice enough to give us a 4 top even though the reservation was for 2.  We needed all that extra room for all the food we ordered.  It was so delicious! There homemade bread is crazy good and the butter is crunchy and delicious.  I love salted butter and I wouldn’t be surprised if they made the butter in house.  They make a lot of their own cheeses and charcuterie.  The first time we ate here a few years ago we fell in love with the grilled octopus and want to eat it every time we visit.        

We started with the grilled octopus which was served with asparagus, mushroom, watermelon radish, and pickled ramp vinaigrette.  We also shared and ordered of the housemade capellaci which was stuffed with lamb neck, smoked whipped chevre, chard and mint with morel mushroom-goat milk froth.  For my entrée I got the veal strip and shortrib with grilled asparagus, goat milk yogurt and violet mustard gel, potato-white asparagus puree, pea tendrils.  Patrick got the smorgasbord for two which had lamb rillette, crispy scrapple, lamb sausage and duck prosciutto and was served with pickled spring vegetables, spiced “mint jelly”, comb honey, and flatbread.  We were very happy with everything we ate.  The scrapple was the best I have ever eaten and being from Philly I have eaten more than my fair share of scrapple.  Patrick used to make all his out of town guests try scrapple during their visit.

Everything was so delicious and I love Liberty Tavern because they use local and humane meats.  You would think I had no room in my belly but I reserved my second belly for dessert.  I am so glad I did.  I had a pistachio brownie served with salted caramel ice cream, a caramelized marshmallow and drizzled with chocolate and caramel then sprinkled with pistachios topped with a chocolate shortbread moon and a shortbread star.  I ate every single bite and every bit of food that was put in front of me.  Well, I sadly did not eat the entire bread basket and wish we had been given the last few slices in a doggie bag.

Orion was a very good boy during dinner.  He got to eat some yogurt, some banana, and some of the yummy housemade bread.  He did get fussy towards the end as we had been there for about an hour and a half.  Our waitress did say that Orion was in the lead for best baby in the room.  He was totally flirting with her so the competition may have been rigged.  We had such a wonderful dining experience that it totally made up for the disappointment of my birthday dinner.  Orion cried a bit on the way home but then was asleep. 

When we got home, Patrick gifted me with a card, 3 Wild Ophelia’s chocolate bars, and a box of Orion brand choco-pies which are like moon pies.  I would not have gotten these gifts if Orion had not fallen asleep earlier in the day while Patrick was wearing him in Nordstrom.  There is a World Market next door and Patrick spent some time walking around trying to keep the baby asleep.  This is another reason why I suggest kicking your husband out on Mother’s Day with the kids as it will enable him to take care of any last minute shopping.

I may not have had a fancy exciting Mother’s Day but what I did have was a wonderful day filled with love.  I am sorry that some people do not like Mother’s Day or so-called Hallmark holidays.  I think these days are just wonderful excuses to take time for each other and express your love.  There is no set in stone way to do it and you can make the day whatever you want.  You can create new traditions, memories, and keepsakes.  Personally, I love cards and my husband always writes sweet notes in the cards he gives me.  I save them and love looking back on them and reading their tender messages.

I also plan to use Mother’s Day as a day to talk with my kids about my mother once they get older.  It will be a day where I am free to reminisce and cry if I feel the need to without hiding my tears from my family.  The only way to keep someone’s memory alive is to share stories about them.  Mother’s Day is also a great day to talk about all the other women in your life who have mothered you and influenced the person you have become.  I was lucky to have a great mother but also her mother was a wonderful and caring woman who had 9 kids.  I also have many aunts who have been very caring and loving over the years.  I am thankful for all the strong women who have touched my life.  I hope they all had a Happy Mother’s Day and know how much they are loved!    

My Mother

My mom was an amazing woman who left us too soon at the age of 60.  This October will mark 7 years since her death from metastatic breast cancer.  With each passing years, her absence has gotten easier to cope with.  I have gotten used to her not being around but that doesn’t mean that I do not want my mother on a daily basis.  If I think about it too hard, I can cry as if she just left us yesterday.  Mother’s Day is hard for this reason because her absence is inescapable.  Being a mom myself doesn’t really make the day easier on me because I feel like something is missing.   

My mother worked as a nurse.  She worked in emergency rooms, nursing homes, and as a visiting nurse. As a visiting nurse for many years, she traveled into some really rough parts of Philadelphia.  I can remember her telling me about drug dealers watching her car while she went in to check on a patient.  They knew why she was there and her patient, most likely, had watched that drug dealer grow up.  No matter where my mom went, she could easily talk to anyone she met.  She had a natural gift for storytelling and a great sense of humor.  I can remember the sound of her voice and her laugh, this is a sound my son will never hear.

There are so many questions I would ask my mother if I could.  Questions you can’t even fathom until you are actually raising kids of your own.  I wonder if she ever had mastitis, how did she wean us, or put us to sleep, when did I start to get teeth, and when did I start to walk?  Losing my father 6 weeks after having Orion, means these answers really are lost.  I miss them both so much and see being a parentless parent as my biggest challenge as a mother.  The ability to call my parents and ask questions, or just to vent and hear stories of how I was when I was that age, not to mention my child is denied the opportunity to spend time with his grandparents.  With their death, I have lost part of my personal history and my son has lost part of his future.

When my father and I visited my brother in Okinawa in the spring of 2010 we got the chance to meet my brother’s wife and their 2 kids.  I am so glad we got to spend that time together.  My father was very excited to be a grandfather and I was happy to be an aunt.  I remember we were in a store and my nephew was throwing a tantrum because he wanted these red shoes.  My brother picked him up, put him over his shoulder, and marched him out of the store.  My dad was laughing and crying because he could hear my mom saying that payback was a bitch.  If only she had lived to witness this scene.

One of my earliest childhood memories is going to Ireland when I was four.  At the time, my mom had a patient named Mary.  Mary was paralyzed on one side of her body.  Her dying wish was to go home to Ireland.  My mother asked her employers if she could help Mary fulfill this wish.  They said no, so she quit her job and took my brother, myself, my father, and Mary to Ireland.  I remember the sunsets and wild horses, the ocean, and the experience of being so far from home for the first time.  When I look back now, I’m amazed at my mother’s determination and compassion to help Mary complete her dying wish.

My mother lived her life on her own terms.  Her sense of humor and style was uniquely her own.  This was appreciated by all she met.  She loved to shop, and had a knack for finding fabulous pieces in unexpected places.  I am proud to be my mother’s daughter.  I feel very lucky to have had the parents I had because they supported me, trusted me, and loved me.  Raising children without them will be difficult but I trust in the job they did instilling such good values in me that I do believe I will do a great job raising my child without them.  

Happy Mother's Day Mom!  We all miss you so very much.

    

This picture was taken on my wedding, 6 days before my mother died.

Is being a mom a job?

With Mother’s Day coming up there has been a lot of talk about how being a mom is the hardest job a woman can have.  But is being a mom really a job?  Is being a wife a job or is being a daughter or an aunt a job? When I asked my husband if he thought being a mom was a job he laughed and said that he thought it was hard work but not a job. To call it a job makes it sound like you get paid, vacation time, a 401k and health insurance.

Being a mom is a role and a relationship.    To call it a job sounds like it is unsatisfying.  I have had many jobs and I had them for the money not for the love of the job.  If you love your job, I imagine you consider it your career.  I have not heard of being a mom referred to as a career.   I do read a lot of blogs but not all of them so maybe someone has.

Why isn’t being a father considered the hardest job a man can have?  Maybe we need to focus more on just being a parent.  There are plenty of stay-at-home dads in this modern day and age.  Just turn on the TV and watch Up All Night.  After a baby is weaned from the breast, I think each parental role is equally important.  Yet we put so much emphasis on being a mom.  Maybe that is why there are so many dead beat dads?  Maybe they do not see the validity in being a father and think that mom can do it all. 

The other day someone asked what I do and I pointed to my 1 year old son and said that I take care of that guy.  I do not have a job, I have a life.  I am a full time mom/stay at home mom (but I don’t stay home).  I do this blog thing but I don’t make money at it so I wouldn't call it a job.  I am a writer and I have been writing actively sine I was 9 years old.  I am more than a mom, I am a wife, a daughter, an aunt, a neighbor, a friend, a person.  These aren't jobs and I think to call motherhood a job is to cheapen the role of motherhood.  (Is it just me or when you hear the word job do you think blow or hand? I hope that doesn't makes me sound like a prostitute)

Mother’s Day can be very hard for some people, including myself.  My mom died 6 and a half years ago.  I miss her everyday but even more so around Mother’s Day.  I also think about the women who struggle with infertility and it breaks my heart.  Mother’s Day must be hard for them because they have yet to achieve that role of being a mom which they desire so very much.  I imagine Mother’s Day is hard for those women who choose to not have kids.  I think not having kids is a very valid life choice but society often assumes that if you are a female of a certain age than you must have kids.  Not every woman wants to be a mom and it is much better if these women stick to their guns and don’t have children.  There are plenty of babies born to mothers who gave birth for all the wrong reasons.  Mother’s Day must be really hard on all the children who have been given up by their moms but also hard on the women who gave up those children.

Even though I deal with the loss of my mother, I do like the concept of Mother’s Day.  I do think it is important to take a day to celebrate moms.  Last Mother’s Day I had been a mom for all of 10 days and was still recovering from my Cesarean.  But I did have a very lovely day even though I did not feel like a mom.  Sometimes I still don’t feel like a mom because I feel like the same person I was 2 years ago or even 20 years ago (even though I have changed).  Even though I spend every day taking care of my baby and think that I am a good mom and have been told that I am by others.  The day before Orion’s birthday, we had pictures taken at JC Penny and some included Patrick’s mom and step-dad.  The photographer said something along the lines of mom wipe the drool off baby’s chin and it took me a moment to react.  Was she talking to me?  Oh, yes, right, I am Orion’s mom!  Maybe I will feel more like a mom when Orion starts calling me mom? 

Mother’s Day does not have to be a huge fancy production.  There does not have to be expensive brunches, Champagne, and diamonds.  It should be something thoughtful and easy on mom.  I used Mother’s Day as an excuse to get something I really wanted, a sewing machine which I bought close to 2 months ago.  Tomorrow, I hope to sleep in, get a manicure and a pedicure, and spend a few hours without my baby.  I rarely get alone time and would love an opportunity to just sit alone and do nothing for a bit.  I also spent $10 on a worthy cause to save the lives of mothers.  

This Mother’s Day stop and take a look at the person you are raising and supporting.  Think about what example you are setting, what values you are instilling, and what kind of person you hope they will turn out to be.  Think about all the people struggling to become mothers.  Think of those who have lost their mom due to death or abandonment.  For just $10 you can save the lives of 3 women and prevent their children from being orphaned.  Please check these links and make a donation:

Got $10? Let’s Save Lives This Mother’s Day

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