Sleep, it's complicated

I hate that feeling of ”is he sleeping or did the worst thing ever happen?”.  We stopped leaving the baby monitor on at night when he was around a year old but we still have it hooked up in his room with units in our bedroom and kitchen. I will grope for the unit in the dark and turn it on, holding it close to my ear waiting for any sounds of breathing or snoring.  Hearing him sleep is the best sound ever.  It is a reassurance of life and peace.

Now that he is older, the fear of SIDS has gone away along with some of my irrational fears.  I remember those nights of “should I go in and check on him or will that wake him up?” and some nights they make a comeback.  I hate that feeling of that the house is way too quite. I can remember going into his room and practically putting my face on his chest to ensure it was still moving up and down at a healthy pace.

If I do hear Orion cry out, cough, or make any other unusual sound in the night it causes me physical pain. I hear it and almost shit myself with worry. The bottom drops out of my stomach and I am on my feet ready for action. This is why I had to shut off the baby monitor, to prevent myself from running to his bedside anytime he made the smallest sound. Granted, the worry has been replaced a bit with a fear of losing sleep.  If he is crying and I hear I cannot sleep, we are not cry it our people. I just want to make it stop as quickly as possible so I can go back to sleep. 

I am way more excited to see my baby after we both enjoy a full night of sleep. Many nights I have gone to bed at 8 or 9 because I know he will be up at some point in the night like he was the night before or because I am just plain exhausted.  Some of those nights end with me waking up at 4am to take a slash only to be unable to fallback asleep.  Regardless of how tired I am, I have always had a hard time falling asleep and falling back asleep.  There are nights when I jealously listen to the sound of my husband and baby snoring happily and soundly.  Patrick has the ability to fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.  He has even fallen asleep while talking or reading me a bedtime story. (Before Orion came along he used to read me bedtime stories. He read me all the Harry Potter books, Snow Crash, and The Once and Future King to name a few) 

It is rare that I am out of bed before Orion.  He usually wakes up between 6 and 7am.  That is when decent human beings should wake up.  4am is for farmers, 5am is cruel, and sleeping in past 10 is for stoners and teenage boys.  The worst is when Orion wakes up at 4am. He is not a farmer and has no business being up that early.  The chance of getting him back to bed is slim but I will try in the hopes of catching some more zzzzs. If he is truly up I know that a 7am naptime is possible and I have to decide to drink coffee and not be able to sleep during that nap but be awake now of stay sleep and miserable until we both get our nap.    

When I am out of bed before baby boy I get filled with this feeling of excitement at seeing him for the first time. He somehow looks cuter and acts sweeter.  My stomach gets filled with the fuzzy buzz of glee that he slept all night and I am recharged and ready for the day ahead.  I want to scoop him up in my arms while he tells me all about his dreams in his secret language.     

Some mornings when I am up before him I know that it will not last long.  I will think “OK, I heard snoring, he is sleeping but he will wake up any second now so I can't really get anything started”.  I don’t want to fold that laundry because he will wake up and throw it all on the floor. I can’t take a shower because he will wake up as soon as the shampoo touches my hair. The great thing is that I actually don’t need to do anything.  This can be a hard thing for a mom to realize and actually do because there are always a million things that need to be done. The luxury of enjoying a hot cup of coffee alone while checking the Facebook without a baby on the loose is an indulgence.  Sometimes you need to do nothing and you will be better for it.

If anyone out there is thinking about becoming a parent but are unsure here is a little trail you can set for yourself.  Set an alarm clock to go off every 2 hours between 7pm and 7am. Once it goes off pace up and down your bedroom or hallway while holding and rocking a 10lb bag of sugar (or whatever) for 20 minutes.  Repeat this for at least 6 weeks and see how you feel.  Bonus points if you repeat this trail 9 months later. Having a newborn is hard but then you start sleeping through the night and you return to the joys of a full night’s sleep and think the worst is behind you.  Then out of nowhere, BAM! Baby is up 2, 3, 4 times a night.  It’s like they want to remind you of how far they have come, and how much it used to suck, and aren’t you glad that doesn’t happen every night.  Really baby, you do not need to remind me.  

Irrational Fears

I have jumped out of bed, scared shitless, that something was wrong with my sleeping baby.  Why did I think something was wrong?  Because it was too quiet and I couldn't hear him breathing.  I lived in fear of SIDS for the first year or so of his life.  I am still afraid to have a pillow, blanket, or anything in his crib while he sleeps even though SIDS is no longer a risk.  I do allow his soothing seahorse in the crib with him but that is it and I am still afraid he will crack his head open on it.


When Orion was about 8 months old I watched Million Dollar Baby for the first time.  I would replay that climactic slow motion neck cracking scene over and over in my head starring Orion and every toy and surface in our house.  Once I get an idea in my head, it is really hard for me to shake it off.  Then I worry that if it were to actually happen it would be all my fault because the thought crossed my mind.

Last week we went for a boat ride and I saw my baby sinking like a stone to the bottom of the Potomac River.  This did not happen of course and I was sure to keep my hands on him whenever he got near the edge of the boat.  But the image, the thought, was so disturbing and I felt horrible for even thinking it that I felt sick to my stomach.

Every time I buckle Orion into his car seat I wonder if it is tight enough, am I doing this right, will he be safe.  I have become a very cautious driver and adhere to the speed limit (ok maybe I go 5 mph over) and leave plenty of room between me and the car in front.  This means I have become an extremely jumpy passenger and I don’t know how my husband puts up with me.

When I was pregnant I worried that something would be wrong with my baby.  Maybe it is my experiences coupled with the fact that I have a chronic health issue but I always brace myself for the worst.  I was also on a medication that was generally considered safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding but no one knew for sure.  I did know that I need my medication (Copaxone for treating MS) and would not do well without it and I need to be as healthy as possible in order to carry my baby to term and to take care of my baby.  So far, so good, but I still worry that down the line we will find out negative side effects of this medication.  Or any of the number of things Orion comes in to contact with on a daily basis could end up being harmful.  This is why I am very picky about what he eats and what I put on his skin.

I watched the film Temple Grandin during my pregnancy and had a big huge crying fest.  What if my baby is autistic and won’t let me hug him?  It was a severe breakdown and I knew I was getting worked up over a possibility.  Then I realized that whatever happens, we will deal with it.  Temple may not have hugged her mom but she did wonderfully amazing things including revolutionizing the cattle industry.  When you are pregnant people ask if you want to have a boy or a girl and usually the answer it that it doesn’t matter as long as the baby is healthy.  And what if it’s not?!  As long as Orion is alive I will love him and care for him and any and every way he needs.

Will my irrational fears every go away?  No, they won’t and I am sure they will get worse once Orion is driving or getting into the car of young drivers.  I do not let these fears stop me from letting Orion explore his surroundings and grow.  I allow the thought to cross my mind and then I try to move on even though it can take me awhile to shake the thought.  Now that he is learning to walk, we have had more boo boos than ever but this is something he needs to learn.

The first time Orion bled, I was more upset than he was.  We were at an indoor playground and he face planted on one of the few hard surfaces (inside a mirror cube) and split open his lip.  He cried, I almost cried, and we were both covered in blood.  The staff was really nice and gave me a cup of water and some paper towels and I cleaned him up and the bleeding stopped.  In no time he was ready to play some more.  When we came back the next week, he was happy to play in the same spot where the accident had occurred.  He spent a lot of time in that mirror cube and I was too afraid to touch him while he was in it that I just let him go in and out on his own.

The scene of the accident one week after he split his lip open.

I really don’t need any reminder that children don’t always outlive their parents.  In part because i can't handle them.  You think pregnant women are emotional?  I am way more emotional then I have ever been.  I cry during movies more than ever and for the smallest thing.  Any movie dealing with child loss I have to avoid entirely or I might flood my living room with tears.  I think about it daily and I am sure that I will on most days for the rest of my life.  Parents worry but I do not let my worry incapacitate me and hopefully I never will.  I buried both of my parents and I hope Orion buries me.

I do not think I could survive the loss of a child and I hope I will never have to find out.  But writing these words feels like tempting fate.  Then I think that I have already been through enough in my 32 years that there really can’t be any tragedy left.  My heart goes out to all those who have lost children.  Whether that loss was while the child was in utero or when that child was 60, a parent burying their children is always a sad sad shame.  These parents are the strongest people I know.  I read this great blog post recently, if you know someone who has lost a child you may find it helpful.

The C Word

No, not that 4 letter C word, but one that has equally negative connotations, I am talking about C-sections.  Cesarean sections have gotten a lot of negative coverage and many moms are made to feel like they are not real women if they have C-sections.  I think this has got to stop.  Yes, C-sections may be unnecessarily preformed way too often in America but sometimes, it has to be done.  I think water birth, home birth, and vaginal birth are awesome.  But don’t feel guilty or less than because you couldn’t have the birth of your dreams or stick to your birth plan.

I hate the term birth plan.  As if you could really plan something like the birth of a child.  It should be called a birth suggestion because you really need to be flexible.  What you want, and what the about to be born baby may want could be completely different.  How much do you like to get out of a nice warm bed on a cold winter morning?  I imagine it is kinda like that for about to be born babies.  I know the doc had to pull me out with forceps.  If you have never given birth, how can you plan something that you really do not understand even if you have watched all the videos and taken all the prep classes?  

I had a C-section. I did not want to have a C-section but I do not regret having my C-section.  I did get the most beautiful baby out of the experience.  I was a high risk pregnancy from the start and it took me about 9 months before I could even try to get pregnant (really it took about 5 years).  I have M.S. but I also have all these crazy antibodies which are usually associated with Lupus.  These antibodies can cause the placenta to age rapidly and suddenly.  For this reason, I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks after the first trimester then every week during the end of my third trimester.  My OB also did not want me to carry beyond my due date.  Really, she didn’t even let me carry to my due date because it was on a Sunday and they don’t schedule inductions on the weekend.  All in all, my pregnancy was pretty run of the mill except for that one week of bed rest due to low amniotic fluid.   

I didn’t try anything but walking to bring on labor.  I had heard horror stories about women trying to induce themselves.  I think your body will be ready when it is ready and anything you do to speed things along is only to keep you and your mind occupied.  I am not even convinced that inductions at hospitals work.  I think it is really all about the timing.  Maybe your body was close to being ready for labor and the induction helped move things along and you were able to have a vaginal birth.  Maybe your body wasn’t ready for labor and the induction did not help and you failed to progress and required a C-section.  The latter is what happened to me. 

I went into the hospital for my induction and they began the process of ripening my cervix.  They said I was already having contractions (didn’t feel them) when I first showed up and was 1 cm dilated.  They worked on ripening me up through the night.  I woke up in the dark, maybe 4 or 5 am and I was able to feel the contractions and unable to sleep.  Around 7 am, they started me on Pitocin which I had requested to start with the least amount possible.  The contractions got stronger but my water had yet to break.  So they broke my water.  Eventually, I progressed to 3 cm but that was as far as I was gonna get.  The contractions got stronger and stronger as they increased the Pitocin.  

I remember watching some teen pregnancy show on TV because, hey, I was having a baby too.  Around 1 in the afternoon, I started to freak out.  I had been told that this was going to be a very big baby.  How was I gonna give birth to such a huge baby?  My mom died when I was 25 and there I was 32 and crying like a baby because all I wanted was my mom.  How could I give birth without my mom there to help me?  I had my husband but he was also freaked out and did not enjoy seeing me in pain.  It was at this point that I had the epidural. 

Honestly, I felt so fucking good after that epidural.  I was relaxed and calm which is a very good way to be.  Aside from being more comfortable and feeling nicely intoxicated, nothing else progressed.  It was around 6 pm, when my OB came by to say that I had not passed 3 cm and it was time for a C-section.  The longer we waited, the high my risk for infection.  They would have done the operation sooner, but they had been really busy.  There was like 20some babies born the day I had Orion.  It was close to 7 when they finally got me ready for the operation and Orion was born at 7:13 pm.

On the operating table, I could only stare up at the ceiling.  I remember the white form panels and the grey metal strips between them.  If I looked at those metal strips I could see a slight reflection of what was going on down below.  My husband sat next to my head but really, I can’t remember what he did or said.  He remembers kissing my forehead and stroking my hair.  There were a bunch of people in the operating room.  There was my OB, another OB, 2 anesthesiologist, 2 or 3 nurses just for the baby, and a few more for me.  I could feel pulling and tugging and then there was new life in the room.

When I heard him cry, I cried with relief.  It was the best sound I had ever heard.  He was not too happy about being ripped out of me and showed it by immediately pissing on one of the nurses.  I had a hard time seeing my brand new baby boy because I couldn’t really move my head.  I think that was mostly fear because my body was open and they were working on putting me back together.  Patrick brought Orion over to me but I was just too scared.  I am glad that Patrick was able to hold our baby and that Orion was perfectly healthy.

It took about a half hour or close to forever for them to patch me back up.  I was taken to recovery and then, finally, was able to hold my baby.  He smelled like cupcakes.  He was so perfect and I think he still is.  Once I could wiggle my big toe (totally made me think of Uma in Kill Bill) I was able to go up to our room where we would stay for the next 3 nights.  It took us awhile to get up there because they were slammed with new babies but we did get a room of our own.  

I was worried that I would have a hard time breastfeeding and bonding with my baby.  These fears were totally unfounded.  When Orion was 5 days old, we went to the pediatrician and met with a lactation consultant.  When I expressed my fear regarding bond with my baby she told me about how much she hates hearing that.  She eased my fears by telling me that I would be bonding with my baby every time I held him, feed him, and clothed him.  When I came back a few days later to meet with her again, she gave me an A for my breast feeding skills.  I do feel lucky that Orion and I had such an easy time breastfeeding.  I was visited by 3 different lactation consultants while in the hospital, each had a different method, and then saw the consultant at my pediatrician’s office, who was awesome.  I understood that breastfeeding wasn’t this automatic natural skill that babies and moms know how to work.  

Having a C-section is painful, it felt like my belly was consumed by fire.  About 8 hours after the operation, they came in and got me out of bed to use the bathroom.  It hurt so incredibly much and made me wish I still had the catheter.  Somehow, my husband slept through it on the most uncomfortable hospital chair/bed.  Everyday, a few times a day, I had to get up and walk around, even though it hurt and I wasn’t able to stand up straight.  I was told all this would help with a speedy recovery.  It hurt for a few weeks with the fire dying as time went on.  Then for a while I felt nothing where my incision was but with time, everything felt like normal again.  

When I got home, I went up and down our stairs only once a day.  I went down those stairs backwards and very slowly.  If you have a C-section, you really do need someone at home to help.  You have just had an operation and now have a newborn baby, you really can’t take care of both.  Thankfully, my husband was home with me for the first two weeks and I had some far flung visitors come to lend a hand.  Aside from doctors visits, I did not leave the house until Orion was 10 days old and I was in desperate need of strawberry open face pie.

The upside to having a C-section is that I did not feel all the pressure to get things done that I had heard many women experience after vaginal birth.  I did not make myself a to do list of 10 things then beat myself up for only getting 3 of those things done.  And I do love to make a to do list but I seldom beat myself up about not accomplishing the items on my list.  Those first few weeks with the baby, I focused on taking care of myself, my baby, my husband, and my dogs.  That was enough to keep me occupied for a while.

I had been pregnant for 9 months, about 259 days or 6,216 hours.  I did not want to fuck it up in the last 24 hours.  I was too tired and sacred to argue against the C-section.  I also knew going into the hospital that it was a possibility, especially for me.  I am not a doctor, I had never had a baby, I had never seen a live birth, and I had hardly spent anytime around pregnant women or babies.  I did trust my doctor and I was going to take her advice.  I knew she wasn’t rushing off to make tee time or tea time or just go home for the day.

I don’t understand why women like to brag that they were in labor for 72 hours.  So what, do you want a cookie?   Personally, I know my body and I wouldn’t want to do that because of my health issues.  After something like that, I think I would be useless and bedridden for a week, more than I was after the C-section.  Giving birth is not a competitive sport, it is not something to brag about.  Some women can’t get pregnant, do you want to rub it in their faces.  In this heyday of social media, it is way too easy to hurt other people’s feelings by posting ultrasound photos, making your kid’s picture your profile picture, or using Facebook to announce a pregnancy.  I know I have been guilty of doing some of these things or asking how someone’s baby was born.  Now, I am trying to be more sensitive and remind myself that it really doesn’t matter how a baby was born.  Sometimes we do want to share our birth experience but I was not the kind of person who wanted to video tape it and show it off.   

If you are scheduling a C-section ahead of time to better fit your life, then I think you are in for a rude awakening.  Nothing is more inconvenient than a newborn baby.  The first 6 weeks (or more) with your baby is on baby’s schedule of doing whatever baby wants whenever baby wants.  I think it is important for a new mom to be ready, willing, and able to devote themselves entirely to their baby in those early days.  Yes, I do think mommy needs some alone time but you brought this baby into the world and it is time for you to take care of your creation.  

Orion has been in our lives for almost a year and I wonder what we ever did before him.  Every single day, my husband and I comment on how firggin' cute he is and how much he makes us laugh.  It is amazing to see him use his hands, crawl, feed himself and figure things out (he knows if he presses a certain button on the remote the TV will turn on and he will turn his gaze towards the TV and celebrate once he manages to turn it on).  

So, don’t make me feel bad for having a C-section.  What I had was a wonderful, healthy, happy baby.  How my baby came into the world really does not affect you.  What really matters is what happens when you bring that baby home.  How you take care of the new life which you created will have a much bigger impact on the world.  What happens in the hospital is kinda like Vegas, the memories blur.  I know Orion will not have any memory of his first hospital experience.  And let me just say that my night nurse, Danielle (who was about 4 months pregnant), was awesome!  I miss her because she really was a kind and caring person.

Once Orion turns 2, I hope to try for another baby.  I hope to find someone who is confident in me to help me to have a VBAC, vaginal birth after cesarean.  I had always wanted to have a water birth but that was not an option with my previous doctor.  It is not because I want another chance to do it right but because now I know what to ask, what to expect, and how to be better prepared.  If having a water birth or a VBAC is not a healthy option for me, that is ok.  I will, hopefully, get pregnant again and have another happy, healthy baby by C-section.