Sunday, July 29, 2012

Break it down

I have over 50 blog post ideas typed up and 3 other topics that I have started to write waiting for me to finish and post them.  Honestly, I just have not been inspired to write. Which is weird because for a while there it was all I was thinking about.  Some of those 50 ideas don’t even make sense to me anymore.  What did I mean when I wrote “contacts and crewcuts”?  I have also had a few ideas lately that roll around in my mind grapes then disappear. 

What have I been doing these past silent weeks? I wish I could say that I was at the beach on a nice, fun, and easy family vacation.  But that is not going to happen this summer.  We had money saved for a vacation and have decided to use most of it to pay off a credit card bill.  That makes me feel like a real grown up.  Not raising a baby but working on the house hold budget makes me feel adult.  I have a hard time feeling like an adult as we rent our house and are very far from buying a home.
This past week was exceptionally difficult. Orion has been walking around crying and fussing and dramatically throwing himself against the furniture.  He was also biting my nipples at the end of almost every nursing session.  It took me a few days before I realized he was teething, cutting molars.  I spent most of a morning crying my eyes out feeling like everything I'm doing is wrong.  I don’t feed him the right food, I don’t talk to him enough (15 months old and hasn’t said a real word yet and I’m trying to not freak out), and that he watches too much TV. 

Mostly, I wanted my mom and dad.  I was missing them so much and wanted to talk with them to get their advice.  Maybe my mom could tell me that I was bitey at that age and it would soon pass.  I knew I needed to talk with someone because I couldn’t stop crying (yes, I was a bit hormonal having finish my period a few days before).  So I got in touch with my aunt, my mother’s sister. 

Talking with her made me realize what I need to do.  I know that I need to actively start weaning this toddler and get him to nap without me or a car ride.  For the past 15 months I have nursed him whenever and wherever.  I have let him nap on me, fall asleep on me, or taken him for a car ride to nap. She also reminded me that I have been raising a great baby even though right now things are difficult.  I do need more time to myself (which is part of the reason I have not been writing).  If he could nap without me I might get an hour or two to do what I want like write or sew. (I have been a bit obsessed with sewing lately as I am just learning and it has been what I want to do with any second of free time as I cannot use my sewing machine when Orion is awake because he loves to grab the foot peddle or pull out the plug) 

It was also nice to hear that she had just been thinking of my mom and missing her like crazy along with their other sister.  Where we live, we have no family and no one down here ever met my mother.  They have no clue how awesome she was not to mention that most parents in their early 30’s still have living parents (yes, i do get jealous).  But who can you call when you are crying? I have a hard time talking when I get upset or talking about why i am upset.  I didn’t want to call my husband at the start of his work day and often I don’t want to bother anyone.  So I took the easy route and sent a text message to my aunt asking her to call me when she had time.

I know that I can call her when I need her.  She can tell me stories about my mother and give me parenting advice.  I know she loves me and thinks I am doing a great job raising my son.  That I have devoted the past 15 months to him but it will not always be that way.  One day he will be is school and before I know it he will be going off to college.  It can be hard when you are stuck in the difficult present to remind yourself that it won't always be this way.  Speaking with her reminded me of the strength she has, which my mother and my grandmother both possessed.  That strength is also inside me even when I feel tired and weak.

The night after my break down, I had a mom’s night out at the movies already planned.  I really needed that night out.  As I drove to the theater, thumping some good tunes, I felt like dancing.  The next day I felt so much better even though I was tired (out till after 11, oh shit!).  Orion hasn’t bitten my nipples since my crying jag.  I understand cutting molars is tough work so I am going a easy on him.  We are not going to try to change how he naps right now as he is dealing with enough change.  I am trying to keep him extra busy so that he will be too distracted to waltz over to nurse just because he is bored or knows that he can.   

Just writing this has made me think of a few more posts I want to write.  I need to make the time to write, I will make that time even if it means letting Orion watch Yo Gabba Gabba for a half hour or so.  I am also $700 closer to buying a laptop, I just need to find the one I want or keep saving for that Fujitsu lifebook.

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